fragments #1
the instinctual, riding the bus, and escaping commitment. drawn from my journal entries.
i often think of how i wish i could connect to myself in more natural way. i want to experience the instinctual, the raw. i often think i am experiencing things wrong. i take too many pictures with the intention of preserving a moment but i’ve learned that doing this only spoils the moment and leaves me with nothing genuine to hold on to. so much of society seems to have been stripped of its meaning. (the effects of capitalism, yes, i know.) i am inescapably, overwhelmingly, aware of my perception— of my constant experience of constant perception. i’m not sure if that makes sense. i think it is that i would like to perceive things, and feel things, without being aware that i am doing so, and without following myself into a spiral of analysis in relation to it. i want to melt into nature and let myself dream. maybe i should bring a few heavy wool blankets to the forest and find one of those redwood trees that have been burned in the center, and take camp there, spending the rest of my time wrapped in the blankets and studying the bark. what did sylvia plath say? Mother of Otherness, Eat me. oh god, i’ve digressed to quoting plath on my substack…. fuck.
did you know that i love riding the bus? i hate waiting for it though. or at least i used to, when i would sit on the bench for 30 minutes, studying the cigarette butts on the ground, wondering if my bus was still arriving or if i had missed it despite coming to the stop ten minutes early specifically to avoid missing it. i used to be overwhelmed with anxiety and uncertainty, unable to settle down, constantly jarred by the stream of cars loudly speeding by, until i saw my bus in the distance and i could finally breathe1. but yes. i love riding the bus, once i’m on it. i’ve surrendered myself to the probably disguising cloth seats (i try not think about what kind of substances, liquids, crumbs, etc., that they could be holding), and i put on my noise-cancelling headphones and allow myself to be transported. i think that is why i like it so much— my days are constantly filled with responsibilities, between work and schoolwork, but for a few moments every week, my only responsibility is to allow myself to be moved along to my destination. i feel my calmest during these moments and i look forward to them.
i completely lack self control. i constantly choose indulgence over responsibility. i have no motivation to take care of my responsibilities. i am a horrible procrastinator. sometimes i think i should just leave everything behind and let myself drift. drift, drift, i like typing that word, drift, it emerges on the screen the way that it sounds in my head, in a very calm and natural way, in a way that is carefree and confident, in a way that assures me that everything will be alright. yes, i’d like to take myself from place to place, finding small towns to pick up some work and find a room, and taste the town, and read and write, and move on to another place after maybe a month or two. disconnecting myself from commitment. maybe i can get away with it2.
they installed a time meter though, that posts the amount of minutes until the busses will arrive, so this problem has been partially eliminated.
although the more i think about it, the more selfish and privileged it sounds.