i am trying to remind myself that no Life has a peak, just slow changes, like the midnight shiftings of sand. it's not that i don't know what i want it's that, Well, i want exactly what i do not know. i have made up my mind to spend the next year saving up enough Money to Chase It Down. i wander through the edges and alleyways of small towns, (sunken eyes of a stray cat glowing like the fading moon) (red brick worn soft like old skin) wondering if the people who died young (though don't we all die young?) felt that they had held (at least for a moment) (at least just a small piece) that "eternal truth" of life, ...if their death was Okay because they at least Touched It (Nothing is more Real than Touch) and ...if i would be Okay if i died today even though i'm not sure i have Touched It, and how i know i wouldn't (be Okay) and how that's how i know that It doesn't even exist probably unless maybe in the ways i'm not able to know right now. do you know what i mean. (how silly i am to be twenty-one and certain about everything except for this one thing, this one Hope i have-- i am almost just humoring myself at this point.) (how silly i am to be twenty-one and acting like i know a thing about death-- --i knew more about it at age fifteen.) It might be nothing except feeling truly in control of myself, which might be nothing except shedding all of these things that have constructed to mean "life". Finding oneself Lost, etc, etc i can't help but anticipate my future as if it has already become a Memory i am a fetus chained onto my dusty deathbed
