the indulgence of pain

and feeling one's humanity

i love the rain because it makes me enjoy how deeply sore and tired my bones are. i’m not sure how this effect works. its a simultaneous feeling, of both ache and soothe. i am always tired and my bones always ache but when it rains i feel acknowledged by the world. i feel allowed to sit back into my sore self and take a deep breath, letting my ribs fully expand for the first time in too many months. it’s like a good kind of pain— like getting a massage after running a marathon (except I don’t actually know about that because i don’t get massages and i definitely don’t run marathons). sometimes in the mornings after a punk show, i’ll discover bruises i don’t remember getting, and i’ll press them against things, chairs, objects, countertops, throughout the day, applying intense pressure on them, and focusing on, indulging in, their dark sting. maybe it is a way to find a pinpoint on myself to focus on, reconnect back with my body. i think it can sometimes be easy to fall into the rhythm of a day and completely disconnect with myself, just going through the motions, getting all the things done. i’ll lose awareness of my presence and all of a sudden it will be dark outside, the day almost over.

my dad hates the rain. i guess a lot of people do but i will never understand it. in the car this morning he said “it’s going to be ugly like this all day”. it makes sense he thought of it as ugly— he grew up in florida, he likes the sun, the beach. but i looked ahead at the grey air and thought how i wished it could stay this way forever. i don’t like my dad. at all. i’ve never had a good conversation with him. anyways i think some people are too afraid of the rain. more of them should allow themselves to walk outside without an umbrella and feel their hair catching the water, feel the droplets running down their face, into their mouth, down their goose-bumped neck. why is everyone so strict! its no fun! getting myself all wet and soggy and cold is one of my favorite ways to remind myself that i am human. maybe a lot of people don’t like to remember that they are human, or maybe they just don’t think they can handle an inconvenience, especially if it is an inconvenience that they are putting upon themselves. i’ve just remembered something in eva baltasar’s boulder that i think may be beautifully relevant: “no emotion is more indulgent than feeling that you are intensely human.” yes, yes. i love it, that indulgence. some people avoid it at all costs. what does that say about them?

maybe i am being too self centered, too critical of others. oh well. i have my faults too. for example i write about loving the rain, loving to allow it to soak me. but i hate swimming in oceans and pools. the last time i did was probably years ago, at least four or five. except it’s probably due more to insecurities, the feeling of being perceived by others, than it is anything else. maybe. and also i hate sand. it gets everywhere. at least rain dries. sand sticks to you for a week and makes you feel all dry and dusty.

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okay, one more things. i’m not sure if a single person actually reads my substack but… if you guys are out there i would love it if you commented, just your thoughts and feelings and stuff. i’d love to have more conversations and discussions on my page. we are all so lonely and disconnected. lets at least talk about it.