now and later

in two parts

5/31/26 // pt. 1

the summer air never settles but floats above the ground, swirling in its own sickening heat. the days go by in hazes. they end before they begin, before i have the moment to greet myself upon waking. if i’m lucky and if i isolate myself for the evening, i can greet myself and bid myself farewell in one swift mental action before passing away into the dreamworld. it’s funny because whilst i’m stuck in this time loop i am still very aware of it, and i do keep trying to crack it but nothing seems to work, and the only way i am able to keep moving through it without a negative existential attitude is by reminding myself that in quite literally exactly three months from tomorrow i will be abandoning It All, and if that doesn’t shake me out of my fog then i don’t know what will; in fact i’d rather not even think about that outcome because i’d start to feel completely doomed, but anyway it doesn’t matter because i am fully convinced that it will fix me; i will be completely reborn; it sounds cliché but it’s the truth; beginning a new chapter is always an act of birthing oneself again; and there is nothing more that i want right now, than to be new, and refreshed, and free.

6/4/26 // pt. 2

oh god the dogs won’t stop barking tonight. my cat sits purring in my lap. i’ve opened my second bottle of wine. no matter how vulnerable you are they will choose to not care or to not do anything until it is too late. i know i would probably never get to the point where it’s too late (too late for who?) but a part of me wishes that i would just so that they would feel guilty for not caring before, when i had tried, when i had really opened myself up to them and asked for help. they ignored it because they thought it was probably nothing but isn’t there a part of you that feels itself rotting as you ignore because you know that it isn’t actually nothing? you know that there is a human being standing there naked arms open trying to repent ready to do anything and all you have to do is the smallest thing, a thing that you can afford, and you still choose not too— how? the dogs are still barking. all night they have not stopped barking and i wonder what goes on in their minds that makes them yell, incessantly. i wonder who keeps choosing to ignore them, uninterested in fixing the source of the issue, hoping they will just magically stop. we are all babies helplessly crying, aren’t we.