do i get in the way of my own connections?
everything feels so superficial. and i don’t want to think that i’m different or better or smarter than everyone else, but, if often feels like no one shares my perspective on the types of meaningful connections that i want to make. it’s hard to know, though, if what i’m searching for even exists in the first place— that type of connection so raw and deep and sincere that it can barely be described. something that feels like my mind is aligning perfectly with someone else’s without either of us even saying a word. it’s something so much more than just attraction or getting along well with someone. it’s a type of magic, a link, and absorption. there seem to be people who understand what this is, and the longing for it, because i’m able to see it as a theme in movies, books, plays, etc; and i know that there are other people, just like me, who relate. but i can’t seem to actually meet many people, in real life, who do. i am told that i just need to be more open, but that leads me nowhere. i find that most of my interactions and conversations are more painful than pleasurable; socializing feels like an annoying task. and so, i have come to prefer isolation. it is lonely, depressing, and uncomfortable at times, but it isn’t as depressing as attempting at making a connection with someone, only to reach the same predictable conclusion of a “connection” that is pre-occupied, perfunctory. and yet i still can’t help but think that i am just getting in the way of myself, i’m not allowing myself to see the meaningful connection that might be there.
this is something that i wrote in my journal after watching le rayon vert, or the green ray, (directed by eric rohmer) a week or so ago. i had connected incredibly strongly to that film. anyways, i copied my journal entry directly into here, without changing anything. and when i wrote it in my journal, i wrote it with my black felt-tip pen and I just wrote it, without editing it or stopping to think. i guess i’m making that distinction, that it was written on a spree, because i don’t believe that it is my best work. i still like it though. i think. i might elaborate on it sometime. either way… here it is.