dumb old fish

happy saturday. it is 92°F where i am and i just want it to feel like true autumn. i am trying to write a paper on “latino cyber-moral panic” before heading to work in an hour, but i can’t because this heat is pacifying me horribly and making it impossible for me to focus. anyway i was going through my thousands of open tabs and found this. i literally do not remember writing it whatsoever. so i am posting it. happy saturday.

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the day the devil came i awoke to birds singing. sunlight streamed through the crack of the curtains. my eyes stung sweetly. naked, i felt the new day begin to soak into me.

how do you begin to reach inside yourself? i’m so full. full of so many possibilities. i find this beautiful and inspiring. but i wonder if one day i will not just take myself too far— cross some boundary, permanently break myself.

still i know i will, against my will, take that risk.

i’m walking down roads i do not recognize. just for the fun of it. kicking the rocks with my shoe. who cares if i get lost. somehow i know i never really will. i think it’s that i need to get lost in order to be found. i need to find myself completely vulnerable, completely helpless, completely at the end of myself, in order to know, with certainty, how to more forward. otherwise i will just keep making my cycles, going nowhere. a dumb old fish.