17july2025
a new friend asked me if i was the “all or nothing” type. i’ve decided that yes i am. right now i am Nothing in the places i want to be All, and All in the places i want to be Nothing. so i deleted instagram off my phone. i washed my bedsheets. i took everything out from my drawers and the boxes under my bed and i dumped it all into a big pile on the middle my floor. and i will carefully and slowly put everything back until i feel like a real person again.
from now on i won’t be able to afford to run off on little escapes every few weeks. they tend to be my way of pretending i am not in the situation that i’m in. but i was fooling myself to think that i was ready for the full-forced-exile— not yet, not quite yet. as large as the contempt i have for This is, i’m not ready until i can make something out of it; because if i can’t make Something out of This, then i won’t be able to make the life i want out of something else. i like to fantasize and one of the things i like to fantasize about is the idea that creating the life i want will come much easier within a different situation. but it won’t. there will always be something in the way. i don’t know anyone who gets as bad FOMO from literally everything as i do. but i’m starting to realize that whether i like it or not i will always be missing out on something. so the best thing i can do— the only thing i can do— is choose and spend my cards wisely. which starts with tearing everything apart and rebuilding it with only the bare essentials. it starts with giving myself room to breathe.
